My "Why?" with Lisa Shaw

Lisa Shaw: My Why

If you had told me 20 years ago that my passion would be helping women reconnect with themselves and find healing, I would have thought you were crazy. Over the years, my relationships with women reflected my relationship with myself, and that connection had always been on shaky ground. It wasn't until I went through multiple challenges and the birth of my daughter that I truly learned to fall back in love with myself.

My clinical journey began in my early childhood. My parents often shared stories of me scooting around the halls of drug and alcohol recovery homes in my baby walker, bringing joy to those struggling with addiction. Both of my parents have had lifelong battles with addiction. Like many, the most significant impact of growing up in an addicted family was the lesson that to survive, I had to save those around me, often at the expense of abandoning myself. From a young age, I learned to suppress my feelings and needs, believing they were weaknesses to be eradicated. This belief became the foundation of my adult life and led to a host of unhealthy coping strategies.

At around 15, I developed an eating disorder, thinking that if I could control my food intake, I could manage my emotions. Focusing on hunger helped distract me from my emotional pain and led me to detach even further from myself. Eventually, this progressed to self-harm, which became a way for me to regulate my emotions. When my feelings threatened to overwhelm me, I would resort to self-harm to numb myself and regain a sense of control.

In what I believed was a positive change, I eventually stopped self-harming and restricting food, channeling all my energy into helping others instead. I decided to become a counselor, thinking I couldn't possibly engage in those unhealthy behaviors and still dare to help others. This decision marked the beginning of phase two of my journey, which I call “Let’s Get Cognitive!”

I completed my undergraduate degree and enrolled in the Master of Counseling program at Geneva College. I look back on those years fondly; they pushed me to my limits but also allowed me to meet some incredible women and future colleagues. One of these women, Jennifer Thumm, is someone who truly makes life beautiful. When I finished the program, I had to choose an internship, and due to my personal history, I selected a place that specialized in addiction. I thought to myself, “This should be easy because it’s going to feel like home.” I had no idea how this decision would profoundly affect my clinical journey, offering me the incredible opportunity to connect with people whom many tend to shun.

I have and will always have a passion for working with individuals and families struggling with addiction, and I remain grateful to those who have allowed me to be part of their journey. However, I now realize this could not be my only path. While this work created significant personal growth, it did not lead me to the healing I needed. I continued to engage in self-abandonment and fell back into patterns from my childhood. Even though I intellectually understood the healing process, I was still completely detached from it. This brings me to phase three: “Losing Myself Completely to Find Who I Am.”

After completing my master’s program, I married into a family I believed was the one I had been searching for my entire life. However, my marriage again became a perfect opportunity for me to run from myself. I invested so much energy into being the perfect wife and daughter-in-law that I neglected my own needs and missed significant red flags. Over time, things began to crack. No matter how much I gave, it was never enough. I still held the belief that love had a cost, which led me into a narcissistically abusive marriage. This relationship stripped away my identity and left me adrift, without a sense of direction or reality.

Looking back, I see that I was living as a ghost, empty and numb. It’s not surprising that during this time, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. Like many women who experience a history of trauma, my body began to turn against itself. I want to clarify that I am not blaming myself for the MS diagnosis; rather, I aim to highlight that when we perceive self-love as a threat, our physical systems might reflect these beliefs in ways that serve to protect us.

During this tumultuous period, I also faced several miscarriages, which shattered my identity and intensified the belief that I was the problem. This phase of my life was incredibly dark; I not only separated from myself but also lost my faith. I must admit that during this time, I harbored hatred towards women because I hated myself. But then God intervened and said, “I am not done with you yet, beautiful girl!”.

The turning point for me came with the arrival of my daughter, her birth marked the beginning of my long journey back to myself. From the moment she arrived, Grace pushed my limits and, like all children should, forced me to grow. I worked incredibly hard to bring this beautiful little human into the world, and as soon as I saw her, I realized I could no longer fake it; I had to do the work.

I want to be very honest here so that other women may feel heard. My daughter’s birth was no fairy tale—unlike what some experience—it was not an immediate healing; in fact, it was exactly the opposite. I suffered from postpartum depression and, because I was already so detached, I didn’t feel an immediate connection to her. I would describe my feelings as knowing that my love for her was the most significant thing I had ever experienced, yet I wasn’t able to truly feel it. Grace, however, would shake that up. She was not the child who would come quietly into the world; she arrived with a spirit that would not be ignored. 

I must admit that there were times, due to my trauma, when I wanted to break her spirit because I feared she would be rejected for shattering the belief that to be safe, you must be small. I believe that in my misguided attempts to keep us safe, I created impacts on her. Grace was eventually diagnosed with attention deficit disorder (ADD) and oppositional defiant disorder (ODD). I could see that she was beginning to disconnect from herself and disappear into her mind. This realization awakened the warrior inside, the mama bear growling beneath the surface, not just for Grace but for my inner little girl who had been abandoned for far too long. It was time for me to get to work!

First, I had to figure out what was happening to me. I knew I was affected by trauma from my childhood, but there was no addiction in my marriage and no overt abuse, so how had I become a shell? I returned to counseling and began educating myself. Now, you would think that as a clinician, I should have fully understood my experience, but the type of abuse I discovered I had been experiencing is not something that was taught in my educational program. Covert narcissistic abuse is such an insidious and subtle form of abuse that most victims have no idea what is happening, and many professionals do not recognize it. Once I understood what it was, I dove into learning all I could.

I discovered that the healing I needed meant reconnecting with myself and retraining my nervous system to no longer perceive my needs as a threat to my survival. After many attempts to fix my marriage, including counseling, I realized that to save myself, I had to decide to divorce. Divorce is always hard, but separating from someone with covert narcissism is an entirely different challenge. You must navigate not only your own nervous system—which sees self-care as a threat—but also a belief system that says to stay small, friends and family who don’t understand, and a court system that often protects the abuser and views you as the reactive one, all while you are questioning your sanity. 

This is where God worked in my life, carrying me through times that I thought would break me. He led me to a life I never thought was possible and into my current phase: “All about the sisterhood!” 

My life is now beautiful—not perfect, but beautiful. I still have work to do, but I am no longer afraid of the journey. I see myself more clearly than ever before, and I recognize that I am an amazing mother and woman. I have reconnected with my inner child, and although we have some trust-building left to do, I will never forget her or tell her that she should not take up space. I am with my best friend, a man who has shown me what a healthy relationship looks like. Our relationship is not always perfect, but it is worth fighting for. I have two beautiful daughters, Grace and Alex, who are free to be their authentic, messy, loud, space-taking selves. They have helped me fall back in love with my sometimes emotionally dysregulated, imperfect, weird, mama bear self.

I have also discovered a new passion, which I believe is one of my “Whys”—helping women to fall back in love with themselves. Ask, and you will receive; in God’s perfect timing, I found Jennifer Thumm and the amazing team at Haven. Haven is the space where I can turn my passion into action. While I will always feel called to help individuals and families struggling with addiction and trauma, I am so excited to start a new chapter in spreading my newfound love for myself and all my sisters! I never want a woman to walk her journey alone! So, let’s go, girls!!